Friday, September 18, 2009

A little polyticks for you

This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the U.S. Department of Energy.

I then took a shower in the clean water provided by a municipal water utility.

After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC-regulated channels to see what the National Weather Service of the National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Administration determined the weather was going to be like, using satellites designed, built, and launched by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration.

I watched this while eating my breakfast of U.S. Department of Agriculture-inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.

At the appropriate time, as regulated by the U.S. Congress and kept accurate by the National Institute of Standards and Technology and the U.S. Naval Observatory, I get into my National Highway Traffic Safety Administration-approved automobile and set out to work on the roads build by the local, state, and federal Departments of Transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level
determined by the Environmental Protection Agency, using legal tender issued by the Federal Reserve Bank.

On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the U.S. Postal Service and drop the kids off at the public school.

After spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the Department of Labor and the Occupational Safety and Health administration, enjoying another two meals which again do not kill me because of the USDA, I drive my NHTSA car back home on the DOT roads, to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and Fire Marshal's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its
valuables thanks to the local police department.

And then I log on to the internet -- which was developed by the Defense Advanced Research Projects Administration -- and post on and Fox News forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right.

Read this. Had to post it. Brilliant run down by my good friend: anonymous internet commenter!

*This posting does not necessarily reflect the political opinions of Berick Cook (Ok, yes is it does).

**Berick Cook reserves the right to laugh at and/or make fun of hypocrisy in any form. If you were offended by this post, please feel free to express your feelings in the comments (Mainly because Berick Cook wants his blog to have comments)

***Berick Cook would like to know why he is talking in 3rd person. (Please help Berick Cook!)

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

So yer new to this whole "Twitter" thingy eh?

Well listen here Sonny, I'm here for ya. I'll walk ya through this here process, and 'efore ya can whistle Dixie, ya'll be tweetin' with the best of us.

First of all, ya gots to click on this 'ere Twitter Link. I recommend openin' it in a new winda so's you can still follow m' lead.

Aright now, sees where it says "Sign up now"? Click it.

Put yer name in the first thingy, a screen name (like: BobbySue17) in the second thingy, a password in the third thingy, your email in the fourth thingy, and whatever scribblin's they gots in the white box in the the last thingy.

Now click on that there "Create my account" butt'n. Presto! Yer a Twit... Er, Tweep!

Go'on an' say somethin'! I'll wait.

Purty cool huh? Now alls ya gots to do is "follow" me! You can eith'r click on this 'ere link ta me, or smoke me out with their search thingerjob.

No matter whichens ya choose, ya just click on "follow" and yer dun!

I hafta admit, I feel purty privileg'd that'yer considerin' joining Twitter cause of little ol' me. Keep on Twatin'!

The Broken Slogan Archive

It is with great pride in how awesome I am at making a Twitter game that is known and loved around the world, and with great admiration of my cleverness in naming it Broken Slogan, that I humbly present: The Broken Slogan Archive. If you are as big of a Broken Slogan fan as I am, bookmark this page, as I will update it with every new Broken Slogan!

(SPOILER ALERT: Highlight an answer to view it)

#1 - "Once you pop..." Answer: Once you pop, you just can't stop!
Winner: @haleeg

#2 - "Beef. It's..." Answer: Beef. It's what's for Dinner.
Winner: @haleeg

#3 - "I love the fishes cause..." Answer: I love the fishes cause they're so delicious!
Winner: @haleeg

#4 - "Have it..." Answer: Have it your way!
Winner: @haleeg

#5 - "Break me off..." Answer: Break me off a piece of that Kit Kat Bar!
Winner: @crows

#6 - "Eating good..." Answer: Eating good in the neighborhood.
Winner: @haleeg

#7 - "Think outside..." Answer: Think outside the bun!
Winner: @haleeg

#8 - "___! It's beer..." Answer: Redstripe! It's beer! Hooray beer!
Winner: @haleeg

#9 - "When you're here..." Answer: When you're here, you're family.
Winner: @haleeg

#10 - "___, Mmm..." Answer: Campbells, Mmm Mmm Good.
Winner: @crows

#11 - "I gotta have..." Answer: I gotta have my Pops!
Winner: @haleeg

#12 - "___ gives..." Answer: Redbull gives you wings!
Winner: @haleeg

#13 - "Bada ba ba ba..." Answer: Bada ba ba ba, I'm lovin' it.
Winner: @crows

#14 - "Silly rabbit..." Answer: Silly rabbit! Tricks are for kids!
Winner: @crows

#15 - "Make 7..." Answer: Make 7-Up yours!
Winner: @haleeg

#16 - "They're after..." Answer: They're after me Lucky Charms!
Winner: @MisShellyQuade

#17 - "Maybe she's born..." Answer: Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's Maybelline.
Winner: @haleeg

#18 - "Choosy moms..." Answer: Choosy moms choose Jiff!
Winner: @haleeg

#19 - "Wimpy wimpy..." Answer: Wimpy wimpy, Hefty Hefty!
Winner: @haleeg

#20 - "Dogs don't..." Answer: Dogs don't know it's not bacon!
Winner: @haleeg

#21 - "I can't believe..." Answer: I can't believe it's not butter!
Winner: @haleeg

#22 - "___, the San Francisco..." Answer: Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat!
Winner: @crows

#23 - "There's no wrong way..." Answer: There's no wrong way to eat a Reese's!
Winner: @haleeg

#24 - "I'm thinking..." Answer: I'm thinking Arby's!
Winner: @crows

#25 - "Snap into..." Answer: Snap into a Slim Jim!
Winner: @haleeg

#26 - "Snap..." Answer: Snap, Crackle, Pop!
Winner: @crows

#27 - "Nausea, Hearburn..." Answer: Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset Stomach, Diarrhea.
Winner: @crows

#28 - "Betcha can't..." Answer: Betcha can't eat just one!
Winner: @crows

#29 - "A diamond..." Answer: A diamond is forever.
Winner: @haleeg

#30 - "___, Australian for..." Answer: Foster's, Australian for beer.
Winner: @haleeg

#31 - "Don't be..." No winner yet!

#32 - "Like a..." Answer: Like a rock!

#33 - "You can roll a ___ to..." Answer: You can roll a Rolo to your friend!

#34 - "Melts in..." Answer: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand!

#35 - "Every kiss..." Answer: Every kiss begins with Kay.

#36 - "Where a kid..." Answer: Where a kid can be a kid!

#37 - "All day strong..." No winner yet!

#38 - "Come hungry..." No winner yet!


1st: @haleeg - 22 wins
2nd: @crows - 10 wins
3rd: @MisShellyQuade - 1 win
Also 3rd: @jodotha - 1 win
One more 3rd: @ShardAngel - 1 win

Congratulations to the winners! Keep it up!

Can YOU beat them? Oh yeah? Prove it! LEARN THE RULES, PLAY THE GAME!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Dreaming of dreaming

I love dreams. They're like my own personal nightly theater where I never know what's playing, but I'm the star of the show. Is it film noir night, or Michael Bay 'Splode? Will I get the girl in the end, or will she turn out to be my long lost cousin from space? The adventures the imagination creates can rival even the best that fiction has to offer. Which is one of the reasons I wish we had dream recorders. On the other hand, there are times when I'm glad that dreams can't be recorded (That Jello monster seduced me, I swear).

Recently though, my dreams have taken an interesting turn.

I've always been fascinated by the concept of lucid dreams. Having full control over your dream state changes the theater into an arcade. So for years now, I have been striving to achieve that state. I'm thrilled to say: I've done it!

WARNING! ACHTUNG! - I will now present a glimpse into the workings of my subconscious:

The dream started out as normal as any. I was at a ski resort shredding powder uphill on my snowboard that split into skis on command. When I got to the top, I hopped on the rocket chairs that shot me back down to the bottom, provided I was able to dodge the lasers on the way down (Everybody's had that dream...right?). Well THAT'S when it got interesting.

I was having trouble getting my skis to recombine into a snowboard, and a ski patrol guy was trying to help me. It turns out I had 2 left skis. That's when I had an apostrophe: "This is stupid! I wouldn't have 2 left skis unless it was a... dream!" At which point I said "Thanks, ski patrol guy, but I can fly!" And *Whoosh* off I went!

See, in everything I read about lucid dreaming, the most successful method of attaining it involved creating a "trigger" for yourself. Something that, if performed, would prove to your conscious subconscious (huh?) that you were dreaming. It was always my plan that if I ever thought I was dreaming, the first thing I would do is try to take off like Superman. I figured that's as good a thing to do as any, and, sure enough, it worked. So if we are ever hanging out, and I suddenly leap into the air saying "Up! Up! And Away!" you know why.

Anyhoo, there was a problem. As soon as I took off, filled with excitement at the possibilities, the world around me started to "De-Rez" like something between Tron and The Matrix. Awesome looking, but that meant I was waking up. So I toned it down to try and stay asleep. It worked, and suddenly I found myself in a fancy hotel lobby surrounded by beautiful women. *Ahem*

Too shortly thereafter, my alarm clock went off. I have never hated an alarm clock more in my life.

Since then, I have had a couple more lucid dreams where I was able to directly manipulate the world on a whim, and it was SO MUCH FUN. So if you've never experienced a lucid dream, I highly recommend doing some research and trying it for yourself. Your nights will never be the same.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a nap to take...

*Snore* "Hello, ladies..."

Monday, August 24, 2009

Adventures in filming

Question: What is it like to film in an ancient, closed down lodge that resides in the middle of nowhere next to an equally ancient gold mine?

Answer: Creepy.

Over the weekend, we filmed the trailer for Proper Binge at a place called "Motherlode Lodge". Nice place. Although, when there is no power, no running water, and you and your crew are the only people there, it's more than a little spooky.

With the whole rustic feel, "The Shining"-esque hallways, doors that seemed to open and close on their own, the abandoned mining shacks out front, the prisoner work crew that was cleaning up the area, and a lone black and white picture of a little girl with an "I'm going to turn you inside out" smile on her face, it would make a FUCKING AWESOME location for a horror film.

Come play with us...

Now, had it been a horror film, I would have been the first to die. Why? Because I was exploring every pitch black nook and cranny of that place while wearing a giant daisy costume. The set-up could not have been more perfect for my demise. If I was watching the movie, I would be rooting for it.

Alas, I survived, and I had a blast! Everything went very well, and I can't wait to see how it all turned out. Funny thing is, by the end of the shoot, I ended up looking like the crazed psycho that we were all expecting to run into...

I think I'll use this for my online dating profile

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The rules of #brokenslogan

In the interest of saving myself the time and effort of Tweeting the rules of my game EVERY TIME, I present:


PART I - What the fuck is #brokenslogan?!

It is a Twitter game that I have invented that I have ever so cleverly named: Broken Slogan. Every weekday (at a random time), I tweet the first part of a company/product slogan. Your goal is to be the first to tweet the rest of the slogan back to me! Got it? No? Then please turn your books to PART I.

PART II - How the fuck do I play?

It is easy to play. You login to your twitter account (If you don't have one, here's how to get one), and simply tweet your guess to me. If you are the first one to get it right, a winner is you!

There is a catch: Your guess must be tweeted in the following format for it to count.

#brokenslogan [Number]: "[Your guess]" [*any smartass remarks that will make me laugh] @berickcook

(*optional, but awesome)

PART III - What's in it for me?! Oh, and... Fuck!

If you win: I mention you and the broken slogan you did, you get the love and respect of people everywhere, Old Yeller comes back to life, world hunger is solved, and you get put on the list of people not to be killed during the coming ROBOT REVOLUTION!

PART IV - I don't fucking get it!

*Sigh* Alright, here's an example:

ME: #brokenslogan 98465: "Once you pop..." (I know what you're going to say)

YOU: #brokenslogan 98465: "You just can't stop!" THAT WHAT SHE SAID! LAWL @berickcook

ME: The winner of #brokenslogan 98465 is @YOU! I told you I knew what you were going to say...

PART V - What if I forget your stupid fucking ":"?!

Goddamn! You cuss like a motherfucking sailor! Shut the fuck up and sit your ass down for some learnin'! *Ahem* Look. I'm not a grammar nazi... Ok, so maybe I am, BUT I will give you some slack in the interest of not being a complete dick. So, here is the list of exceptions that I will still accept as valid answers:
  1. Forgetting the :. Example - YOU: #brokenslogan 98465 "You just can't stop" @berickcook

  2. Saying the whole slogan (NOTE - This is required when there is a "___"). Example - YOU: #brokenslogan 98465: "Once you pop you just can't stop!" @berickcook

  3. Forgetting the quotation marks. Example - YOU: #brokenslogan 98465: You just can't stop

  4. Jumbling the order of the response (As long as it's all there). Example - YOU: @berickcook 98465 "You just can't stop!" #brokenslogan
But please, try to elevate my faith in humanity by NOT doing those on a regular basis.

On the other hand, these are the things that will make your answer invalid (and suck):
  1. Forgetting the #brokenslogan tag. Example - YOU DON'T NEED ONE

  2. Forgetting the number of the brokenslogan you are answering. Example - YOU DON'T NEED ONE HERE EITHER

  3. Omitting (definition of omitting) words. Example - YOU: #brokenslogan 98465: "You can't stop!" @berickcook

  4. Spelling errors. Example - YOU: #brokenslogan 98465: "U kan't sotp!" @berickcook <- NO. Just...NO.
PART ELEVENTYSEVEN - What the fuck is this "___" shit?!

On occasion, a slogan will use the name of the product/company/deity in the slogan. Since many times the name is a dead giveaway for the slogan, I blank it out (like that party last night... *shudder*). If a blank if given, your answer must be the ENTIRE SLOGAN with the blank filled in! Again with the examples:

ME: #brokenslogan 1337: "___ gives..."

YOU: #brokenslogan 1337: "RedBull gives you wings!"


If you have made it this far without suffering from the infamously widespread TL;DR disease you instantly win 100 points! Congratulations!

Good luck, and have fun!

A little more about myself...

While I am officially Twitter-pated, there are times when my random thoughts are 145 characters in length. Since 145 > 140, most of the time those thoughts are banished into the realm of not-being-posted-to-the-interwebs. That is, unless I can shorten it by 5 characters through the magic of webspeak.

However, if I start posing things such as "k, so i wnt 2 th stre & gt mlk. I rn n2 @NathanFillion tlkin wth @WilliamShatner abt @TheBloggess n wz lke ZOMG cpt Rnlds & cpt Krk!!one!! I gt thm 2 sgn my mlk crtn thn I wnt hme n plyd WOW" Even the porn spammers would be like "WTF?" *BLOCK*

So henceforth I shall post all of my lengthier tirades here! For example:

Since my Twitter profile description is also limited to 140 characters, I have simplified myself with "A 24 year old guy who is an actor, writer, inventor, and game designer". I would like to take some time now and expand upon that.

I am a twenty four year old human male. I am a film actor who is co-starring in an upcoming movie (Proper Binge), I am writer of words that I am hoping will become books, I am an inventor of gizmos that will probably change the world, and I am PC video game designer that has made a few small (mostly unknown) games.

I feel like we are so much closer now!

P.S. If you can translate my webspeak, I'm torn between being proud of you and lecturing you about the wonders of OUTSIDE.